Monday, July 17, 2006

a bit of neglect never hurt no one

I have been neglectful of this little blog as of late, laziness being only one of the reasons. My morning ritual of arriving to work early and spending at minimum the first hour of quiet in the lab jotting down my inane thoughts to you, the invisible public, has forcefully ended. Dr. Veruca Salt is now on a slightly different work schedule so she can split the stay-at-home-with-the kids-duty with her husband, so she is inevitably here already by the time I get in. This, of course means that I have to start doing stuff (you know, "working") as soon as I come in. Yes, I know, poor me. Working at work! The good news is that I get a whole 2 weeks off to write my paper for class. I have never ever had two consecutive weeks off, and I am really very, very excited, even if I will have to force myself to spend a good chunk of it the library.
In the library, because it is completely intolerable being at home. It is too damn hot, and the putzes that we are, we discovered yesterday that we are the only tenant's left who have not gotten air conditioning. The main reason that we haven't put one in (other than the fact that we don't have one big enough for our space) is that we didn't want to have to pay the electricity for it. Turns out that our wonderful landlords are covering the electric still - even for AC's. Maybe instead of getting the gas back on we should get an AC. Hm. I like that. Cold showers aren't so bad anyways.
This hasn't been very exciting today, I know. I'm in a little bit of a fuzz - not sure whether to blame the heat or something else. I am really not so into this class I'm taking right now. I am excited to write my paper, which is a plus, but it's been a bit of a chore to get through the class discussions and readings. I am the only one to blame however - I am simply not used to reading 17th century poetry, or ancient Roman satire. I just have to buckle down and get used to it. That - I have to firmly remember - is why I am doing this; why I took out $18,000 in loans; why I am schlepping to class after work a couple of times a week. I don't want to make the mistake I made before of taking the easy route - of doing simply what comes naturally.

Lately, all the things that used to come so easy (drawing for example) are like walking through sand in high heels.

Monday, July 10, 2006

3 things:

1) Last night very stealthily aquired 1 hotplate and 1 hot shower. (R and I don't want to have to admit to my parents that they have shut off our gas, so we had to maneuver carefully while we were over there last night. I casuallly asked my mom if she had a hotplate and if I could borrow it. She didn't ask why, but had she I would have told her that it was for melting wax for encaustic - which is more than a bit of stretch considering my painting stats lately, but anyways, the important thing is that now we can cook food. R got his shower basically by giving my mom puppy dog eyes and l00king really, really dirty. We escaped, as far as I can tell, undetected)

2) It has been confirmed that I am being sabotaged by Dr. Veruca Salt. (Not only this, the obviousness of how little work I have had to do lately has been discovered. This is for the best. Really. As great as it is to be able to read and write at my leisure during working hours, it makes you feel miserably useless. So I guess it wasn't all in my head that Veruca hates me, which I'm not sure is as comforting as I had hoped. She really does hate me, and really is trying to make me look bad, and maybe even fired. That this has been confirmed my my parents, forever astute observers and not to mention her boss, makes me a little sick to my stomach. I haven't been in a playground fight since the 4th grade, and I have to say I am a little out of practice. )

3) Last week I submitted my writing to a magazine for the first time. (Each day that passes I more deeply understand how lame the cover letter I enclosed with it was. I won't repeat the error by posting it here - sorry, I know you were probably anxious to see how badly I bombed. Other than this post submission shame, I really don't expect anything. which doesn't explain why I am obsessively checking my bulk mail folder for misdirected emails.)

Saturday, July 08, 2006

improbability like drowning

We've completed day two of the gas shutoff without romantic flare or great discomfort. R discovered an unlikely blessing of Philadelphia's ungodly heat: that it keeps the water in the hot water tank at room temperature. So even though it's not hot, it's warm enough to not squeal when you step under the shower. The shutoff has also eliminated many options in terms of food. I am unable to prepare anything except for yogurt, fruit, cereal and coffee - which is what we eat half the time anyways - so it's kind of a perk to not have to fire up the stove and conduct a meal into existence.
This might turn out to be ok after all.

R and I just had our first semi-serious discussion about our wedding. Yes, we've been engaged for aver a year and a half, and it's no big shocker that someday we will actually go through the process of tying the knot. But we actually made something that resembles a plan. We even figured out that September would be the month, however of which year is still to be determined.
I am in no rush for this, and have never been too up on the idea of marriage. If it happens it happens, (like if they shut off the gas, oh well!) has been my thinking. Yet, it's kind of tedious being in that suspended limbo of "someday". Either let's do it or not do it. Either is one fine; either one is decision. In theory, I don't understand how it could make a difference - what would change with marriage after having lived together for so long already? But what if there is a change. An invisible switch that is flipped and suddenly, after a night of partying in a fancy dress fully sloshed, life gets dreadful and boring and incredibly regular. Not to say that life is so hopping right now - it's not - but there is a certain weightlessness with being in a "domestic partnership" rather than a "marriage". The first sounds ironic, impossible to take yourself too seriously with such a beurocratic title such as domestic partner. It's flippant, witty and detached in that modern kind of way. Marriage on the other hand sinks like an cinderblock in a kidney shaped pool. When people, especially young people, tell me they're married, in my ear their tone sinks. It sounds to me as they refer to their husband or their wife that they are inflecting a slight pause, a slight dowturn of pitch which begs please get me out of this.

Of course, I am only imagining this. Right?

Friday, July 07, 2006

On PGW (in 2 scenes)

Last night in the car:
[me] I am making a conserted effort to not panic about our money situation. I don't know if you've noticed that I haven't been as neurotic about it lately - but I realized (and my mom thought I was nuts when I told her this) that the money issue never resolves itself. It always going to be a problem. So why worry?
[r] Are you ok? I don't know where you picked this up from, but....
[me] I learned it from watching you!(with sarcasm)

Later last night, at home:
[me] I think the pilot light is out -- throw me some matches?
[r] there is no pilot light
moment of silence
[r] ...but the water'as still hot.
[me] yeah but it's probably left over from today.
[me] they shut the gas off.

The couple ensues in exasperated scheming as to how to wring $468 out of an empty domestic coffer. After an hour or so this, no solution is reached, other than a decision to shower as often as possible in other people's homes. Their estimated forecast for gaslessness: approximately 2 weeks.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

"Fireworkiness"

Once again firework season has come and gone.
I was determined to make this year's 4th of July a better and less whiny experience than last year's. The good news is that in the end, good times triumphed - but not after a small round of complaining on my part. It amazes me how obnoxious I can be. We had a little bar-be-que picnic in out parking lot last night, during which we discovered how not hot it is outside. Our studio has been sweltering for the past couple of weeks of this 95+ degree heat and usually we are too immobilized on top of the bed to move let alone venture downstairs to check the temperature. Anyhow, I was tired (surprise) and just didn't feel like schlepping ourselves, our bikes and all the other crap that tends to come along with us whenever we get into the car.
I gave in out of guilt and proceeded to whine and pout. Eventually though, I got excited and turns out it was well worth it if for no other reason than we got to ride on Kelley drive at night and not worry about getting run over.
And like last year, going to see fireworks has nothing to do with fireworks. I had a really good time last night - I am also in a much different place than I was last year, most of it having to do with the fact that I am in school and "moving forward" as they say. And I have made some important distinctions about what I am not going to feel guilty about not doing (like painting). That alone has simplified my internal life immensely: with the decision to focus on school, on this strange and nameless degree that I am pursuing I have pointed myself in a direction that granted, I don't understand yet, but one that is finally genuine and not born out of the crazy fear of failure.
I also think that my leg injury has actually helped me in these past few months. I still can't run - my meager starts earlier this week led to more leg pain - and this whole process of restraint has been a good exercise in balance. It's hard to overdo it when your body simply won't let you.
Fireworks too represent that other balance that has been central in my thinking since college: the balance between meaning and aesthetic. I think p[perhaps that fireworks have been so problematic for me to accept because they mean nothing, are nothing. Symbolic yes, but symbolism is a different animal. Symbolism is, or can be, as empty as emptiness. Meaning, as a possessive term, is purpose driven. The biological imperative, the political goal, the productive path. So in this sense fireworks are a totally base sensation -like sex - and unwieldy in the hands of analysis and interpretation. In my respite from making visual work, I have slowly been learning to take images for what they are - for the "fireworkiness".

Like I said, we had a good time.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Apocolypse (in ten minute intervals)

The end of the world is imminent. The signs are clear: last night Philadelphia got the most bizarre hail storm I have ever seen. Granted, I had never actually seen hail until 3 months ago, but that in itself is telling of the strange directions our atmosphere is taking us.
It had been a really hot and humid 95 all day, but towards the evening, as the weathermen had predicted it got cloudy and slightly cooler. Like 92 degrees. The rain came, and about 5 minutes later the hail started. The hail I described in April was powdered sugar compared to this.

I was the size of grapes. Jagged, frozen grapes falling from hundreds of feet in the air.

R and I had been having a picnic by the river when it started. R in his infinite wisdom predicted that it was about to start raining so he started to bring our things to the car. I very calmly finished eating my corn. A few drops started to fall, and only then did I get the grill and the food ready to go. I just barely made it in the car by the time the rain had turned to hail.

Sitting in the car, watching the hail strike the windshield was amazing, not because it was beautiful, or because it spurred awe at the power of nature. What was amazing was that those 10 minutes or so that we sat there with our mouths open hoping that the windshield would not crack seemed as if it were a clear sign that things have gone awry. I don't know jack about weather patterns. I don't know how pressure systems work, and I don't fully understand how global warming works. But, this did not feel like a normal anomaly. It did not feel like the usual freak exceptions - like a snowfall in April, or a very warm day in January.
This was something else.