"Fireworkiness"
Once again firework season has come and gone.
I was determined to make this year's 4th of July a better and less whiny experience than last year's. The good news is that in the end, good times triumphed - but not after a small round of complaining on my part. It amazes me how obnoxious I can be. We had a little bar-be-que picnic in out parking lot last night, during which we discovered how not hot it is outside. Our studio has been sweltering for the past couple of weeks of this 95+ degree heat and usually we are too immobilized on top of the bed to move let alone venture downstairs to check the temperature. Anyhow, I was tired (surprise) and just didn't feel like schlepping ourselves, our bikes and all the other crap that tends to come along with us whenever we get into the car.
I gave in out of guilt and proceeded to whine and pout. Eventually though, I got excited and turns out it was well worth it if for no other reason than we got to ride on Kelley drive at night and not worry about getting run over.
And like last year, going to see fireworks has nothing to do with fireworks. I had a really good time last night - I am also in a much different place than I was last year, most of it having to do with the fact that I am in school and "moving forward" as they say. And I have made some important distinctions about what I am not going to feel guilty about not doing (like painting). That alone has simplified my internal life immensely: with the decision to focus on school, on this strange and nameless degree that I am pursuing I have pointed myself in a direction that granted, I don't understand yet, but one that is finally genuine and not born out of the crazy fear of failure.
I also think that my leg injury has actually helped me in these past few months. I still can't run - my meager starts earlier this week led to more leg pain - and this whole process of restraint has been a good exercise in balance. It's hard to overdo it when your body simply won't let you.
Fireworks too represent that other balance that has been central in my thinking since college: the balance between meaning and aesthetic. I think p[perhaps that fireworks have been so problematic for me to accept because they mean nothing, are nothing. Symbolic yes, but symbolism is a different animal. Symbolism is, or can be, as empty as emptiness. Meaning, as a possessive term, is purpose driven. The biological imperative, the political goal, the productive path. So in this sense fireworks are a totally base sensation -like sex - and unwieldy in the hands of analysis and interpretation. In my respite from making visual work, I have slowly been learning to take images for what they are - for the "fireworkiness".
Like I said, we had a good time.
I was determined to make this year's 4th of July a better and less whiny experience than last year's. The good news is that in the end, good times triumphed - but not after a small round of complaining on my part. It amazes me how obnoxious I can be. We had a little bar-be-que picnic in out parking lot last night, during which we discovered how not hot it is outside. Our studio has been sweltering for the past couple of weeks of this 95+ degree heat and usually we are too immobilized on top of the bed to move let alone venture downstairs to check the temperature. Anyhow, I was tired (surprise) and just didn't feel like schlepping ourselves, our bikes and all the other crap that tends to come along with us whenever we get into the car.
I gave in out of guilt and proceeded to whine and pout. Eventually though, I got excited and turns out it was well worth it if for no other reason than we got to ride on Kelley drive at night and not worry about getting run over.
And like last year, going to see fireworks has nothing to do with fireworks. I had a really good time last night - I am also in a much different place than I was last year, most of it having to do with the fact that I am in school and "moving forward" as they say. And I have made some important distinctions about what I am not going to feel guilty about not doing (like painting). That alone has simplified my internal life immensely: with the decision to focus on school, on this strange and nameless degree that I am pursuing I have pointed myself in a direction that granted, I don't understand yet, but one that is finally genuine and not born out of the crazy fear of failure.
I also think that my leg injury has actually helped me in these past few months. I still can't run - my meager starts earlier this week led to more leg pain - and this whole process of restraint has been a good exercise in balance. It's hard to overdo it when your body simply won't let you.
Fireworks too represent that other balance that has been central in my thinking since college: the balance between meaning and aesthetic. I think p[perhaps that fireworks have been so problematic for me to accept because they mean nothing, are nothing. Symbolic yes, but symbolism is a different animal. Symbolism is, or can be, as empty as emptiness. Meaning, as a possessive term, is purpose driven. The biological imperative, the political goal, the productive path. So in this sense fireworks are a totally base sensation -like sex - and unwieldy in the hands of analysis and interpretation. In my respite from making visual work, I have slowly been learning to take images for what they are - for the "fireworkiness".
Like I said, we had a good time.
posted by beef at 11:59 AM
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