It. (for Erin)
It's quite official that I have nothing to do this week. (At work that is) In continuation of yesterday, and the day before that, I have been quite happily writing away, only today it was guilt free, knowing that I am not blowing everything and everyone off, but really, there is nothing for me to accomplish until next week. It is amazing how much can get done between 8 and noon, if you really just sit down and do it. Even more could get done between noon and 5 if only it didn't get so damn hot in this lab. Or at home. Or anywhere that I need to be.
Erin called last night, and after far too many (could it be 9?) months of not hearing her voice I finally did. I, as I had replayed in my mind many times, tried to entice her into moving to Philadelphia. She had even thought about it, and looked at some job postings, but I guess nothing grabbed because after leaving San Francisco she went back to Chicago and not to us and our brothers of love. All I can say is that I really regret being such a schmuck about staying in touch, because if I had called more often, perhaps I could of actually served my function as a friend. Perhaps I could have provided some support, perhaps I could have lent some well worn advice on certain matters. Matters that shall go undiscussed here, as they go undiscussed in general. Matters that are perhaps defining moments, that perhaps have created permanent rifts in our characters, that inform everything we have and will do - yet they are not spoken of or about because even though we are implicated in these issues, they are not about us. They are not about Erin, not about me. And this is what I learned from the one and only Naranon meeting I went to: that as much as it sucks, and as helpless as you feel, you are alone, despite what they say. It's not about us. We are caught in the crossfire, we are the cells left in the margin.
It's not about us, but we still feel compelled to take the problem upon ourselves to solve, as if it were our own. But, I have also learned that there is no solution. It doesn't end, doesn't go away; it does not tie itself up into a package and get put in storage. It's a problem, but not one like the one's you (Erin) have stayed up all night trying to solve, but instead it's a problem like people are problems. No matter where they go or what they do, they fuck something up, and that's just how we are as a species.
Even today, after so many years, I have to remind myself of this.
Anyhow.
Erin called last night, and after far too many (could it be 9?) months of not hearing her voice I finally did. I, as I had replayed in my mind many times, tried to entice her into moving to Philadelphia. She had even thought about it, and looked at some job postings, but I guess nothing grabbed because after leaving San Francisco she went back to Chicago and not to us and our brothers of love. All I can say is that I really regret being such a schmuck about staying in touch, because if I had called more often, perhaps I could of actually served my function as a friend. Perhaps I could have provided some support, perhaps I could have lent some well worn advice on certain matters. Matters that shall go undiscussed here, as they go undiscussed in general. Matters that are perhaps defining moments, that perhaps have created permanent rifts in our characters, that inform everything we have and will do - yet they are not spoken of or about because even though we are implicated in these issues, they are not about us. They are not about Erin, not about me. And this is what I learned from the one and only Naranon meeting I went to: that as much as it sucks, and as helpless as you feel, you are alone, despite what they say. It's not about us. We are caught in the crossfire, we are the cells left in the margin.
It's not about us, but we still feel compelled to take the problem upon ourselves to solve, as if it were our own. But, I have also learned that there is no solution. It doesn't end, doesn't go away; it does not tie itself up into a package and get put in storage. It's a problem, but not one like the one's you (Erin) have stayed up all night trying to solve, but instead it's a problem like people are problems. No matter where they go or what they do, they fuck something up, and that's just how we are as a species.
Even today, after so many years, I have to remind myself of this.
Anyhow.
posted by beef at 1:45 PM
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