Onward
I biked to work this morning, and so far, as of 11:33 am, it has been the defining feature of my day. I have been writing some - about rat dissections and the satisfaction of tearing apart the tissues - but I have yet to do anything work related.
I suppose I should like it this way. That I should really take advantage of this time to write, read, do my own thing. But really, all it's doing, the disoccupation of the last few days, is reinforcing the feeling that I am profoundly wasting my time. It is tempting, almost to a point beyond resistance, to run into my mother's office (just feet away) and beg and plead and cry to be put out of my misery; to be fired for some uncontrollable display of emotion. If only, they would. It would relieve me of the responsibility of having the 'I am quitting' conversation. It would mean employment benefits. It would also mean no good references, but what do I care. As of today you couldn't pay me enough to work in a lab again.
But of course, I won't be fired. I will never let myself get to that point. No, I am too conscientious for that. Perhaps if it were another job, working for someone else. But to be fired from here from this job is surpasses professional betrayal and enters into the territory of familial treason. No, I can't sabotage this.
***
Since I wrote that first part of the post my mood has improved considerably. R stopped in and we had lunch together. Over lunch, I told him, as I have before, only more serious this time, that I intend to leave here by September. Of course, as always he was supportive. I did detect some panic in his voice however. That only gives us 3 months to figure out a way to cough up $2000+ per month. yikes.
But, in a flurry of motivation I applied for a job today. I even called them on the telephone, so it must be serious. It is at the Community Learning Center and the position is for an adult education teacher. Something about the place and the description called to me, not least the fact that it looks like something I might be actually qualified for. So I wrote what I hope was an impassioned and compelling cover letter, spruced off my resume and sent off into the email abyss. I hope something, anything, comes of this. If anything, just applying has got me on the move to moving onward.
I suppose I should like it this way. That I should really take advantage of this time to write, read, do my own thing. But really, all it's doing, the disoccupation of the last few days, is reinforcing the feeling that I am profoundly wasting my time. It is tempting, almost to a point beyond resistance, to run into my mother's office (just feet away) and beg and plead and cry to be put out of my misery; to be fired for some uncontrollable display of emotion. If only, they would. It would relieve me of the responsibility of having the 'I am quitting' conversation. It would mean employment benefits. It would also mean no good references, but what do I care. As of today you couldn't pay me enough to work in a lab again.
But of course, I won't be fired. I will never let myself get to that point. No, I am too conscientious for that. Perhaps if it were another job, working for someone else. But to be fired from here from this job is surpasses professional betrayal and enters into the territory of familial treason. No, I can't sabotage this.
***
Since I wrote that first part of the post my mood has improved considerably. R stopped in and we had lunch together. Over lunch, I told him, as I have before, only more serious this time, that I intend to leave here by September. Of course, as always he was supportive. I did detect some panic in his voice however. That only gives us 3 months to figure out a way to cough up $2000+ per month. yikes.
But, in a flurry of motivation I applied for a job today. I even called them on the telephone, so it must be serious. It is at the Community Learning Center and the position is for an adult education teacher. Something about the place and the description called to me, not least the fact that it looks like something I might be actually qualified for. So I wrote what I hope was an impassioned and compelling cover letter, spruced off my resume and sent off into the email abyss. I hope something, anything, comes of this. If anything, just applying has got me on the move to moving onward.
posted by beef at 11:35 AM
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