Tales from Wonkaville

Today promises to be quite a day. Dr. Veruca Salt* is looking to make another "movie" for a presentation she has to give at the end of the week, so she asked me to bring my video camera. I would be so lucky if my involvement ended there. She mentioned that she wanted to record me doing some intro describing the concept of the project and its goals. What does this mean, based on my past experience making videos with her? It means that she paints my face like a 1930's hooker, fucks up my hair so it looks like hers, and sticks me in front of the camera to regurgitate some badly written lines. I did this before because, well, I thought I had to and I was dumb. I hadn't been working in the lab that long and was feeling ultra guilty about being here and not knowing any science, so I did whatever kind of monkey crap I had to in order to justify my employment. I am glad to say that I have learned my rights regarding human dignity in the workplace. When she pulls me aside and asks me in that fake sweet, suck-uppy voice that for some reason she tends to use with me, whether I will just take a few minutes to do the introduction, I am going to say no. Just say No. To being dressed up and embarrassed in front of co workers and an entire hospital full of people; to be required to do things that you feel are sloppy wastes of time just because you are in a subordinate position; No to participating in activities which only serve to cloud the issues at hand rather than really solve them. Yes, that's what this little presentation is about. Propaganda is perhaps a bit harsh, but perhaps the most accurate in describing the purposes of this video. I won't get into it here, but basically the story involves the clash between two biostatisticians and two biochemists, embroiled in a battle about statistical significance and trust.
Whoever said science wasn't sexy?

*My parents have developed a histerical pet-name system for everyone in the lab based on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It must be pretty true, because they won't tell me who is which character, and get quiet and change the subject when I try to guess. Not that it's that hard to figure out, except I can't figure out who Mike TV is around here yet.